Voodoo Time Dot Com

So you might have noticed that I haven’t written much here in a week or two. I have a good excuse though. Really!

See, it all started when I received an urgent call from the President of the United States. “I’m sorry to call so late in the evening,” he began (it was 3:36 AM), “but this simply cannot wait until morning. I received word at oh-two-thirty hours, that we have lost all communication with our secret lunar base. The status and whereabouts of our colonists are unknown. I’m afraid I must ask you to undertake another dangerous mission for your country.”

“No dice, Mr. President,” I answered. “I retired last year after the Delta Incursion. My walking papers are stamped all the way to the top. With all due respect, sir, not even the President of the United States can put me back on one of those confounded ETCs (Extraplanetary Transport Craft) again.”

“I’m not asking as your President, Justis,” he replied, desperation betraying his previously solemn tone, “I’m asking as your friend.” Twenty minutes later I was in a chopper headed to Groom Lake.

Again.
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Dear comments spammer at 66.36.249.149,

If we ever meet, I hope to stab you with a rusty spoon 175 times - once for each spam comment you left on my site.

I hope you die of hemorrhagic fever.

Best regards,
justis

I was thinking today, as I was trying to do about four different tasks at the same time, that it would be really great if there were some kind of distributed computing system that could network all of our brains together for extra mind power.

If you’re familiar with projects like SETI@home or grid.org, then you can probably guess what I’m talking about. For the uninitiated, distributed computing works on the idea that not all computers are using their full computing capability at all times. For example, while I’m writing this entry, my computer is not terribly busy. All it has to do is keep critical systems up and pay attention to my typing. Even while I’m browsing three or four Web pages at the same time, my PC is still well under maximum load. Distributed computing applications use this unused capacity on multiple machines simultaneously in order to make calculations or interpret raw data in the background. If I were to start playing a video game, the application would adjust itself accordingly and use up less of my resources, or none at all.

If only there were such a network for human brains, I could get so much more accomplished. At any given time there must be millions of people who are barely using their brains at all. Just look around next time you’re at the mall, or the grocery store, or sitting in traffic. Everyone around you is probably just floating around on auto-pilot - their minds spinning up just enough to keep those critical systems running and their feet landing one in front of the other. While I was nearing my cranial capacity this afternoon, someone somewhere was daydreaming and burning up precious synaptic discharges. I am absolutely convinced that for every one of us struggling to muster up enough grey matter to get through the day, there is some high school student daydreaming in chemistry class. That is prime processor time being completely wasted on sexual fantasy.

If there was a distributed mental network, I could have tapped all kinds of unused brain power. Just thinking of how many people sit at home in the afternoon watching soap operas, makes me lament the lack of such a network all the more. The unused 99.99% of some General Hospital viewer’s mind could have made all the difference for me today. And likewise, while I’m stuck in traffic, or Web surfing, or watching Spongebob Squarepants, some poor soul in need of a few extra synapses could benefit from my low CPU usage.

Anyway, I’m done for the evening. If anyone needs my brain for anything, go ahead and log on. There’s no password.

Bye for now.

Happy Voodoo Day, everyone!

The Earth rotates on its axis approximately once every 23 hours, 57 minutes. In the time the Earth takes to make a complete orbit around the sun, the Earth has turned 365.242 such rotations. We mark the occasion on an arbitrary day - the first of January. Ideally, on January 1st (and any other day for that matter) our planet should be in the exact same position relative to the sun as it was on that date in the previous year. But it isn’t. So because of a minor deficiency in our gregorian calendar, we add a day to every fourth year to catch up (except of course, for years which are divisible by 100 and not divisible by 400).

So once again, January 1st has come and gone - about a quarter of a day earlier than last time. Happy New Year, everyone. We all know the beginning of the new year is a time for reflection on the past, and plans for the future. It is a long-standing tradition that we make resolutions at the beginning of the year in order to better ourselves. Common examples are resolutions to lose weight, break a vice or a bad habit, save money, get organized, etc..

Personally, I’m not really one for resolutions. They involve too much conscious effort, and as I am a slave to inertia, that’s far more effort than I am comfortable with. Instead I think it would be much more convenient for me if everyone else modified their habits and personalities to accommodate me. To that end, I have come up with a list of New Year’s resolutions for everyone else.

Read more. Sports Illustrated and Cosmopolitan don’t count. People need to read more books and newspapers. Maybe we can all discuss something other than what was on television last night.

Stop watching sitcoms. See above.

Use your automobile’s turn signals. It’s only common courtesy to signal your intention to enter my lane before cutting me off with your gigantic SUV.

Register to vote. If you don’t vote, you’re not allowed to complain. Well… I guess you can still complain in you want, but the rest of us will just laugh at you. If you are already registered to vote, do it again - only this time, register as independent. Party politics makes people dumb.

Don’t believe everything you see or hear. If we have learned only one thing from the New York Times debacle, it is that mass media cannot be trusted. And that goes for those e-mails that are always getting forwarded around. Anti-perspirant does not cause breast cancer. No one is growing kittens in jars. And Bill Gates is not going to send you money for forwarding e-mail.

Actually, feel free to ignore all that. You don’t really want to be like me anyway (except for the part about turn signals - use your turn signals!). Besides, the Bible codes and the Mayan calendar say we’re all going to die in 2012 anyway. It’s true! I saw it on the Internet!

Happy New Year.