Voodoo Time Dot Com

I was just thinking…

Why does toilet paper packaging so often feature pictures of babies on it?

Everyone knows babies don’t even use toilet paper.

Sylvain of Chapel Perilous has invited me to contribute from time to time, and today I’ve posted there for the first time.

So go look. It’s a fun site about all things strange and esoteric. If your socks had Internet access, this is the site they’d be visiting.

And sometimes there are boobies there as well.

This monkey (a Rhesus Macaque, I think) is cooling off on a big block of ice. It probably sucks to have fur in the summer.

Or the monkey might have a headache. I don’t know if monkeys get headaches.

Today I found out about web cliques. Apparently, a web clique is a group of sites with some common purpose or content. And just like in high school, some cliques are very exclusive, based on aesthetics or content (the pretty girls), while others will take whoever will join them (Science club).

And just like in high school, the Pretty Girls™ still probably won’t let you sit with them… or date them. Let’s face it - you’re too short, you dress funny, and you have a dumb cowlick. And you still ride your bicycle to school. I mean, you don’t even play varsity sports, for crying out loud. Any self-respecting Pretty Girl™ has to be able to wear her boyfriend’s letterman’s jacket around. And how are you going to go out for a movie and milkshakes on your bicycle anyway?!

Justis’s high school memories…

Good times…

Anyway, I’m thinking of starting a clique for people with websites who go for long periods of time without updating, since I seem to be rather exemplary of this sort of behavior. All you have to do to join is to neglect your site for days or even weeks at a time.

See you in a couple weeks!

This picture was taken in Costa Rica by my aunt. It’s a capuchin - one of four species of monkey found there.

On October 20, 1998, Dr. Norman Gary held 109 honeybees in his closed mouth to set the current world’s record.

That would be the world’s record for the most honeybees held in one’s mouth.

Anyone up for 110?

Anyone..?

There are things we Southern Californians expect during the summer months. One of these things is warm weather. Normal summer temperatures are in the mid-70s to mid-80s along the coast, mid-80s to mid-90s inland, and in the desert communities, temperatures over 100 F are disturbingly common. Another truth of our existence is the fact that we are a tourist mecca. Summer traffic is heavier, and most locals avoid places like Disneyland as if our lives depended on it.

Another feature of the Southern California summer is smog. While hardly unique to Southern California, the orange-brown haze of nitrogen oxides and carbonous particulate matter is inescapable here. From mid-July through August, a chemical cocktail hangs in the air waiting patiently to begin its slow burn of unsuspecting mucous membranes and respiratory tissues. Last Friday, Southern California was under a Stage 1 smog alert for the first time since 1998. A Stage 1 Alert is the second worst of five air quality levels determined by a Pollution Standard Index (PSI) score.

Good - Very low PSI. A great day to run a marathon.

Moderate - Decent air quality for healthy persons. But those with emphysema should not run marathons on a “moderate” day. Otherwise, think of a “moderate” day as a suntan for your lungs!

Unhealthful - Unfortunately, this is a standard level for most inland communities during the summer here. Often a Health Advisory will be issued on an “unhealthful” day. But no one really takes it seriously. After all, how can you trust air you can’t see?

Very Unhealthful - Also known as a Stage 1 Alert. A Stage 1 day is a bad day for a marathon. Also bad for ditch digging, power walking, helping friends move, or eXtreme gardening.

Hazardous - Also known as the Stage 2 Alert. Don’t even go outside. The air is packed to saturation with solid waste. You’re extremely likely to inhale a turd if go outside without some system of alternative oxygen delivery on a Stage 2 day.

Well, that was my best smog joke, so I think I’ll just stop here. Anyway, if you visit L.A. this summer, and you plan on breathing, consider yourself warned.

Bye for now.

If I stopped tongue-kissing strangers in hospitals, there’s a chance I might not catch so many colds.

I’m having trouble deciding which of these is the worst-ever idea for a board game.

Is it this one?

Or is it this one?

Recently there was a deep sea research expedition to identify and catalogue sea life in the deepest waters between Australia and New Zealand. And, as expected, they did not fail to turn up another horde of the most hideously ugly and nightmarish creatures this planet has to offer.

In a world of total darkness and intense pressure (around 3,000 pounds per square inch), there are really only two basic animal shapes - undefined slimy blob, or something that vaguely resembles a rock with a hedge-trimmer and Christmas lights sticking out of it. Anything else implodes way before it sees the ocean floor.

Scary sea creatures tend to get the coolest names. This time we have creatures with names like Fangtooth, Gulper Eel, Coffinfish, and the slighty less scary Snotthead. Goblin Shrimp: cool, scary name; Snotthead: not so scary name.

Knowing that human beings have explored only a tiny bit of the world’s oceans, there are sure to be legions of weird yet-unknown deep sea life scraping around the remaining 70% of the Earth’s surface, and there are bound to be some even weirder than the Vampire Squid from Hell. And these creatures will have super-cool names too. Here are the kinds of deep-sea animals I hope we find someday:

The Inside-out Fish - Externally covered in sharp teeth, this fish chews up it’s prey by just running into it over and over again.

The Spiny Laser Crab - a jet black crab covered in 6-inch spikes to protect it while it lines up a shot with its natural laser eyes. Small bioluminescent organs behind the creature’s retina create light that focuses into a sharp laserbeam through the lens of the eye.

The Deathstar Fish - Appears to be a simple starfish, but as its unwitting prey approaches, the deathstar fish pulls it in with its tractor beam. It’s a trap!

Anyway, the point of all of this is that the ocean floor is gross and scary. Don’t go down there - seriously. –Unless you’re a heavily-armored submersible robot. Then it would be OK I guess.

Bye for now.