Voodoo Time Dot Com

For the last two nights, I watched Russia: Land of the Tsars on the History Channel. Really interesting stuff… Russia was one of the last world powers to retain an absolute monarchy - lasting until the ousting of Tsar Nicholas II by the Bolsheviks in 1917. Nicholas II was the last of the Romanov dynasty - a family ruling by divine right for over 300 years.

So I was thinking a little about what it must have been like to rule a nation of millions at whim. If I were Tsar Justis I, what kinds of things would I be likely to do? Mostly, the Tsars just started a lot of wars and had a lot of people killed. I don’t think I’m the killin’-folks kind of tsar. But that doesn’t mean that the serfs should start getting all uppity. Siberia is really big, and only a train ride away, you know…

I think it would be much more fun to be the crazy tsar. All of the really nutty monarchs throughout history are truly fascinating. For example, King George III of Britain spoke to trees. King Ludwig II of Bavaria (now Germany) fancied himself a tragic hero, and was a devoted fan of operatic composer Richard Wagner. Ludwig nearly bankrupted his kingdom building enormous fairy tale castles with moats and secret caverns.

So, I’m thinking it would be kind of fun to be Justis the Mad. First, I would have to become an eccentric. I would begin referring to myself in the third person. Then I would cultivate unreasonable phobias, wear odd clothing, and collect exotic animals. And after I reached this Michael Jackson level of oddity… Then I’d get really weird.

By royal decree, all subjects shall immediately change their names to ‘Marvin’, regardless of gender. Henceforth, the collective citizenry of our kingdom shall be referred to as Justis and the Marvins.

Furthermore, all Marvins shall adorn the outside of their homes with a number of garden gnomes, appropriately and intriguingly posed.

Any and all civil litigation between Marvins shall be resolved not in a court of law, but rather by an organized break-dancing competition.

Long live the King. Long live the Marvins.

Bye for now.

So, I’m back from my little bout with the plague, and I am once again able to actually do things like stay awake for more than two consecutive hours. This evening, I shoveled up all of my used tissues that covered every flat surface of my apartment like biohazardous snow drifts. I wanted to build an igloo or something from my empty Kleenex boxes, but there were only three of them. So I put my feet into two of them, and slid around the carpet. It’s like ice skating… without ice… or skates…

Actually, it’s not much like ice skating at all. It’s more like shuffling around the carpet with boxes on your feet.

So, with the SARS going around, now is an excellent time to be sick. I highly recommend it. People get real nervous about having you around. For best results, make sure you occasionally ask “Is it hot in here?”. Then ask people to check your forehead. You’ll be headed home from work early in no time.

Thought for the day: Would sending someone a used tissue in the mail be considered bioterrorism?

Edit: Images of Kleenex, vitamins, etc. removed to end prolific hot-linking

I’ll be back as soon as my SARS clears up. See you soon!

You owe it to yourself to watch “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” on TNN. It’s a reproduction of some Japanese show called Takeshi’s Castle. It’s on Saturday and Sunday nights. Check your local listings.

Anyway, Takeshi’s Castle is one of those Japanese extreme game shows where people do really stupid things for no prize other than humiliation and personal injury. I’ve been watching this show for three weeks now, and I’ve come to realize a fundamental truth of humankind. People getting hurt is really funny. We all know we’re not supposed to laugh when people get hurt. But there is something undeniably hilarious about a guy in tight shorts and a bicycle helmet being knocked over by a huge polystyrene boulder.

I know I’m supposed to feel guilty about that. So I apologize to the hundreds of Japanese people I saw falling down, running into things, being tackled by costumed ruffians, and sliding face first into the mud; because I laughed at all of them. I also apologize to the anonymous student I saw fall on the ice back in college when I was at Iowa State. Watching that poor guy flap his arms like a chicken on his way down was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.