For the last two nights, I watched Russia: Land of the Tsars on the History Channel. Really interesting stuff… Russia was one of the last world powers to retain an absolute monarchy – lasting until the ousting of Tsar Nicholas II by the Bolsheviks in 1917. Nicholas II was the last of the Romanov dynasty – a family ruling by divine right for over 300 years.
So I was thinking a little about what it must have been like to rule a nation of millions at whim. If I were Tsar Justis I, what kinds of things would I be likely to do? Mostly, the Tsars just started a lot of wars and had a lot of people killed. I don’t think I’m the killin’-folks kind of tsar. But that doesn’t mean that the serfs should start getting all uppity. Siberia is really big, and only a train ride away, you know…
I think it would be much more fun to be the crazy tsar. All of the really nutty monarchs throughout history are truly fascinating. For example, King George III of Britain spoke to trees. King Ludwig II of Bavaria (now Germany) fancied himself a tragic hero, and was a devoted fan of operatic composer Richard Wagner. Ludwig nearly bankrupted his kingdom building enormous fairy tale castles with moats and secret caverns.
So, I’m thinking it would be kind of fun to be Justis the Mad. First, I would have to become an eccentric. I would begin referring to myself in the third person. Then I would cultivate unreasonable phobias, wear odd clothing, and collect exotic animals. And after I reached this Michael Jackson level of oddity… Then I’d get really weird.
By royal decree, all subjects shall immediately change their names to ‘Marvin’, regardless of gender. Henceforth, the collective citizenry of our kingdom shall be referred to as Justis and the Marvins.
Furthermore, all Marvins shall adorn the outside of their homes with a number of garden gnomes, appropriately and intriguingly posed.
Any and all civil litigation between Marvins shall be resolved not in a court of law, but rather by an organized break-dancing competition.
Long live the King. Long live the Marvins.
Bye for now.