Voodoo Time Dot Com

I found this great article in Scientific American magazine about parallel universes. The gist of the whole thing is that, logically, in an infinite universe, such as our own universe is postulated to be, the infinite must be possible. More accurately, the infinite must not only be possible, but must actually exist. This is to say that, in an infinite multiverse, there must be exact copies of you living on other worlds, living any number of permutations of your life. There must also be a planet dominated by monkey-people who wear kilts and speak Japanese with a lisp.

So that begs the question, what kinds of alternate lives are my alter-egos living out there? Not our kilt-wearing monkey alter-egos; they’re busy dipping sushi in ketchup and listening to Britney Spears backwards (hey, it’s an infinite universe afterall). I’m talking about any number of doppelgängers living lives that are almost exactly like ours, but just slightly different.

For example, on some world out there, voodootime.com is wildly successful, attracting thousands of visitors everyday. And my alter-ego writes fascinating articles everyday that make people laugh and ponder the fundamental truths of their mortal existence. Other than that, my doppelgänger’s life is exactly the same as mine. And you all live in that world too - maybe with a different job, or a different spouse, or better hair. Maybe your double hates animals, or is an excellent gardener, or has bad taste in furniture. In various alternate worlds, you’re an acrobat, or a musician, or an astrophysicist, or a beggar, or a king.

So whoever you are on this world, be it prince, pauper, scholar, or fool, chances are you’re just somewhere in the middle of infinite extremes. No matter how good or bad you think you have it, any number of your intergalactic doubles are doing far better or worse than you are here. On some world, you’ll live to be 115 years old. On another world, you’re already dead.

So, take a moment to consider your infinite potential. Everything we do affects everything that comes after. In a universe where monkeys play bagpipes on the moors, certainly we can all become more than we are now. And if you can tap that potential, someday, if you ever meet yourself from another world, you can stick your tongue out at him/her and call him/her a big loser.

Bye for now.

On the Discovery Channel, they have this show on about the Punkin Chunkin World Championship in Millsboro, Delaware. This is an event that happens every year just after Halloween. The point is to launch a pumpkin as far as possible. This is done with all manner of enormous mechanical catapults, trebuchets, slingshots, and air cannons. The record so far: over 4700 feet. These guys spend all year designing, building, and testing their machines. Many even breed their own pumpkins, hybridized for shape, weight, and density.

This competition is precisely the kind of thing that would not exist if there were no men in the world.

I’m not trying to make any kind of political statement comparing men and women. I’m just saying, when women get a little free time on their hands they’re not devising ways to hurl a squash into the next county. This is a competition born of testosterone and boredom. When you hear about “male bonding,” this is what they’re talking about. This is the Ya-Ya Brotherhood.

At any given moment, some man is engaging in some project that is making his wife roll her eyes. This could be anything from building a pumpkin cannon, to shooting skeet, to improving the airflow inside his carburetor or his computer. But keep in mind that men have two primary action modes: ‘create’ or ‘destroy’. So, though they seem pointless, these ridiculous hobbies serve an important purpose - to keep us in ‘create’ mode. With this in mind, “because I can” suddenly becomes an acceptable answer.

Bye for now.

About 74 million years ago, the state of Iowa was on the coast of an inland sea that bisected North America. The climate was tropical and the land was a rainforest, covered in ferns and flowering plants.

Then, a meteorite 1.5 - 2 miles in diameter and traveling over 43,000 miles per hour struck in what is now Pocahontas county. The resulting impact devastated life within a radius of 350 miles and created a crater 24 miles in diameter.

Glacial drift during the ice age covered up the crater. So you’ll have to take my word for it.

So I’ve been watching this war we’ve been having; not so much for the guns and tanks and missiles and stuff, though that’s all interesting too. I watch mostly for my daily propaganda fix by information minister extraordinaire, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf.

I hope this isn’t anti-American, but I can’t think of anytime I’ve more enjoyed being told to go to hell. Everytime I see him calling for my eternal damnation in his snappy green uniform, I feel a little happy inside. And now that he’s gone missing, I’m a little bummed out. We need to send a Special Forces detail out to go find al-Sahhaf and bring him to the States and give him a television show.

Live from an undisclosed location, it’s Late Night with Mohammed Saeed aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal-Sahhaf!

Thank you… thank you… Welcome to the Late Show, infidels. May you burn your bellies in the fires of hell. God willing, we will bloody your imperialist noses. You crooks! You mercenaries! I curse your moustaches!

So… Anyone got a pencil?

Now I would like to bring out my first guest of the evening…

But, regrettably, he is not here. He is not within a hundred miles of here. We have driven him into the swamp, and he has surrendered.

If you have a website, you should check out Organica. Organica is a project that attempts to determine hot topics of conversation based on crawls of websites all over the world. I don’t think it’s up to its full glory yet, but it also keeps track of who links to who, etc..

So, here’s the listing for voodootime.com. It shows pretty much every single link I’ve put on this page since August 2002. There’s some weird crap in there.

If you want to check out your site, just enter the URL in the search page.

By the way, is it just me, or does the sentence “Link my blog.” sound like it ought to mean something obscene?

I just got this bit of spam today…

“Voodootime.com is ranked #135 for the keyword “farts”. I have a PERFECT match for your site and I think we should link to each other.”

Number 135! Out of the whole Internet! Words cannot express…

Kids, this just goes to show that with hard work and a little luck, dreams can come true.

God bless America.

I was going through some of my early posts here, and found a bit I did on April 7, 2002 - almost exactly one year ago:

Saddam Hussein Gives Birth to Sextuplets

The more things change, the more they stay the same…

Last weekend my wife and I spent the day at the world-famous San Diego Zoo. It was a beautiful day in Balboa Park and we saw great exhibits of animals from across the world.

The animals were all pretty cool, but it was pretty hot outside so they were mostly just lying around and being inconspicuous. So the real entertainment was on the other side of the cages. For every species of animal on the inside, there was one just as interesting walking around on the outside. Let me show you what I mean…

The Blue-Faced Howler - Standing between 3′ and 4.5′ tall, their steady diet of berry-flavored Icee effects their characteristic blue face. The Blue-Faced Howler is extremely hyperactive and sounds its namesake “howl” when happy, angry, excited, nervous, surprised, sad, bored, frightened, irritated, giddy, tired, or amused.

The Line Hog - These animals actively seek out the middle of a crowd and stand there. This behavior manifests itself in many ways. The Line Hog is known to stand in the middle of everyone’s line of sight, oblivious to the possibility that anyone else might want to see the damn meerkats too. Often, small herds of Line Hogs can be found standing abreast across narrow walkways. Line Hogs make small purchases with checks, and large purchases with coins.

The Two-Legged Lobster - These animals walk around in the sun all day wearing sleeveless t-shirts and shorts. As the day goes on, the Lobster’s skin becomes redder and redder. Be cautious when encountering this animal. Merely touching it’s sun-burned hide is enough to cause a loud, chilling shriek.

The Invisible Crowd Skunk - When you’re standing in a crowd when a foul odor falls upon you, chances are you’ve encountered an Invisible Crowd Skunk. Although it smells like someone near you has passed gas, rest assured it is, in fact, only a Crowd Skunk. That’s why you never hear anyone excuse himself when it happens. Right…

So all in all, it was a productive day. I wonder what it would be like to visit an all-human zoo. There could be an urban exhibit with young professionals drinking smoothies in studio apartments. And the trailer park exhibit would feature large belt-buckles in double-wides, flicking the ash from generic cigarettes into empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. And then there’s the computer-geek exhibit which would display pasty-faced young men sitting in the dark and drinking Mountain Dew in front of dual 21-inch LCD displays playing video games and surfing porno websites at the same time.

Actually, that last exhibit sounds pretty sweet. How do I get in on something like that?

Bye for now.