Voodoo Time Dot Com

For some reason, all of the sudden, I’ve been getting tons of German spam in my e-mail (the address used by the “Write to Me” link on this site).

As I do not read German, I had to send the message text to the all-knowing, all-powerful Babel Fish to sort it out for me. For my money, the Babel Fish and online driving directions are tied for the most useful applications of the Internet. Well, porn too. But I digress.

Here is my most recent correspondence (as translated by the Babel Fish) from a supposed german young lady identified only as Deine:

Hello, unfortunately you did not announce yourself on my last Mail. Since I must however constantly think of you, I now attempt it again. Perhaps my Mail did not arrive at all with you. It would be to be had simply only beautifully you with me. Since I saw you the first time, I can think of nothing other more. Unfortunately I can not estimate your feelings and do not dare you personally to respond. Therefore this way over the Mail. I have myself with a contact market announced over which you experience can who I am. There one can speak even live with one another. If you want to know who I are, come nevertheless simply times there. At the side you arrive here: [URL deleted] I hope I can you soon into my arms close.

Almost makes you cry, doesn’t it?

In honor of Christmas:

The Bible does not ever mention how many wise men travelled to visit Jesus. It is merely assumed there were three since they came bearing three gifts (Furby, Playstation 2, and Tickle-Me Elmo).

It is unknown whether Joseph and Mary were married at the time of Jesus’s birth. Matthew’s account says they were. Luke’s says they were merely engaged (espoused).

Oh, and for all of you who consider the word “X-mas” to be sacrilege, get over it. The Greek letter “X” (chi) was the symbol for “Christ”.

In school, we always learned there were 4 major oceans on Earth (Arctic, Atlantic, Indian, Pacific). However, in 2000, the International Hydrographic Organization pulled a fifth ocean from the southern bits of the Atlantic, Indian, and Pacific oceans. They called it, appropriately enough, the Southern Ocean.

Well you’ve probably already heard the news. El Niño™ is here.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (or in one of those places where weather forecasting is considered witchcraft), El Niño™ is a weather disturbance between the ocean and the atmosphere in the tropical Pacific Ocean. Since the Pacific Ocean covers nearly a third of the earth’s surface area, we’re talking about a considerable weather phenomenon.

El Niño™ is a Spanish term which probably means “wet air” or something, and it is the most holy of holiday seasons for meteorologists. It is the one time when no one actually expects them to make an accurate prediction. Even though they cannot seem to explain to us what actually causes El Niño™, the one thing they can tell us is that there will be a lot of rain. Or not. And in an El Niño™ year it is always cold - without fail. Except that sometimes it is warm.

So you see, El Niño™ is a highly scientific phenomenon that the layperson is incapable of understanding. Therefore, it is only logical that we are fascinated by it. In an El Niño™ year, the phenomenon itself becomes a celebrity. It begins making cameo appearances on the most popular, cutting-edge, entertainment media like The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman, and Voodoo Time Dot Com. People talk about it at social gatherings. And then there are the musical tributes and film adaptations. And, of course, El Niño™ is all over the news as well. All over the news. Big time.

See, here in Sunny Southern California™, we’re not used to getting a whole lot of rain. When it does happen, things get a little stupid. People forget how to drive, and how to turn off their automatic sprinkler systems. And the same people who spent all summer complaining about how hot and dry it was while their houses were burning down, are now the most vocal in expressing their disapproval of the rain. So it’s only natural that people are increasingly concerned about the weather.

Even so, I don’t know how many more times I can hear the words El Niño™ before I do something unpredictable and/or rude. Really. It’s rain. There is no link to international terrorism or Saddam Hussein. Most of us are going to be okay.

(But not this guy. He’s pretty much screwed.)

Bye for now.

These are the words to the Spongebob Squarepants theme en español…

¿Están listos chicos?
¡Sí, Capitan, estamos listos!
¡No los escucho!
¡Sí, Capitan, estamos listos!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuu….
Vive en una piña debajo del mar
¡BOB ESPONJA!
Su cuerpo absorbe y sin estallar
¡BOB ESPONJA!
El mejor amigo que podrías desear
¡BOB ESPONJA!
Y como aun pez le es fácil flotar
¡BOB ESPONJA!
¡Todos!
¡BOB ESPONJA!
¡BOB ESPONJA!
¡BOB ESPONJA!
El es Bob….¡Esponja!

A sound wave at 165 Decibels (dB) causes frictional heating (due to the extreme compression and expansion of air) sufficient to catch a person’s hair on fire.

A sound at 160 dB will instantly perforate a person’s eardrum.

In comparison, the level where sound becomes painful to humans lies somewhere in the neighborhood of 120 dB to 130 dB.