Voodoo Time Dot Com

Have you ever had a dream about something and it ends up happening within a day or two? That happened to me again a couple nights ago. I dreamt that one of my customers got a virus on their network that I ended up having to clean up. I woke up very happy that it was just a dream. Then yesterday I got a call from that customer saying that they had a virus loose on the network.

Crap.

Luckily, it turned out that the virus was actually caught (as it should be) by the user’s anti-virus software. So the dream wasn’t quite the same, but close enough for discomfort.

Today I’m really scared because last night I dreamt I was working in a coal mine like 100 miles underground. It was pretty dark, except for the Hello Kitty nightlights that OSHA put down there. Anyway, I was late for work, so the only gear left was the ugly green helmet with the broken headlamp on it, and the left-handed pickaxe. So I grabbed the crappy gear and walked off to my little mining corner and started chipping away. I just kept tapping and tapping away, but I wasn’t getting any good coal. I’m not sure what good coal would be, but in my dream I seemed to know that this was not it. So I moved over and started chipping away in a different area. Still no good coal there, but all of the sudden I struck the rock and a little diamond fell into my bucket.

Holy crap.

So I screwed the sorry green broken helmet down on my head, and I picked up the left-handed pickaxe and I laid into that rock and went for broke. Everytime I struck, diamonds would roll down into my bucket. Over and over again - with each strike, more and more diamonds would come out. Before long I filled my bucket. I set an empty one down, and before I knew it, I had that one full too. Soon, at my feet, were two buckets filled to overflowing with diamonds.

Then, around the corner I heard footsteps. In the glow of the Hello Kitty nightlights, I could just make out my supervisor walking toward me with his clipboard. He asked me how much I’ve managed to mine out so far. I held up a bucket of diamonds and said “Two buckets! Can you believe it?”

Tiny multicolored beams of light danced playfully across his frown. “What the hell are we supposed to do with this??” he grumbled. “Did you even try to get any coal today? You’re hours behind now!”

“But, look!” I protested, “These have got to be worth millions. There’s still more in the rock! This is going to make the company tons of money!”

My supervisor shook his head and dumped the diamonds into a scrap pile. “This is a coal mine, son. We mine coal here. Don’t rock the boat.”

Crap.

So anyway, I woke up - luckily enough on the Earth’s surface. I thought “Oh no… what did that dream mean? Am I going to lose my job or something? Am I going to have to work in some grubby mine for the rest of my life to make a meager living until I finally die of black lung?” I shrugged it off and basically forgot about it for most of the day. Later today I realized that wasn’t a dream about the future. That dream plays itself out every weekday in my real life.

Bye for now. (cough)

I was out at a customer’s site last week doing some server diagnostics and maintenance along with one of our PC technicians. He was there to put in an iMac PC (yes, Macs are Personal Computers too) for a new user there. This particular iMac happened to be the older “fruit-flavored” series. The PC also happened to be pink - strawberry actually.

So the tech sets this PC down and starts hooking it up. Once he had it all set up, a young lady in the next cubicle peered over and saw what was taking place. Here’s what happened:

Cubicle Lady: “Uhhhmmm… That’s not going to work.”
Tech: “Sure it will. We tested it in the office before I got here.”
CL: “No. I mean that color. You’re going to have to bring in a different one.”
T: “Why? What’s wrong with it?”
CL: “It’s pink.”
T: “It’s strawberry actually.”
CL: “The new assistant is a guy. He won’t want to work on a pink computer.”
T: “Did you ask him?”
CL: “No, but he’s a guy. Would you want to work on a pink computer?”
T: “It’s strawberry - and yeah, sure I’d use it. It’s just a tool anyway.”
CL: “Well, he’s not ‘one of those’ so I doubt he’ll like it as much as you do.”
T: “Look, it’s not as if it’s a big shining beacon of pink anyway - I mean the keyboard is orange and the mouse is teal!”
CL: “It’s not right to make him use a pink computer.”
T: “For one, if having a pink computer makes him insecure in his masculinity that’s his problem. Second, this one is already configured and ready to go - we’re not building a whole new machine just so this guy can have a ‘manly’ computer. Besides, all the colored models look fruity anyway.”

It went on that way for some time. Cubicle Lady could not let go of the idea that a pink computer was going to turn the new assistant into a flaming homosexual - as if “the new guy” is going to walk in as Wilt Chamberlain and walk out as Christopher Lowell. I can just see it…

“What the hell is this?! A pink computer? Is this some kind of joke?! I mean really… A strapping heterosexual guy like me could never be seen in front of a gay homosexual pink computer like this! No sir! I mean, this thing better not be here again tomorrow. I need something more masculine like orange, or hot cherry, or teal. Oh well… I hope no one sees me using this gay computer. I’ll use it today - work’s gotta get done. But I can’t be using a gay pink computer everyday. I mean it’s pink… and gay! It’s kind of a cool-looking pink though. I’d call it ’strawberry’ actually. It’s practically red. Cool. I don’t know why they gave me an orange keyboard and a teal mouse though. They should just bring ’strawberry’ ones so they match. Boy, I’m starting to feel a little funny. And why is the music from Les Miserables running through my head? Boy do I love men!”

Uh oh.. Cubicle Lady was right - the computer did turn him gay! I guess there’s a lesson to be learned here. You shouldn’t use computers. Using computers will make you gay.

A visitor to the site recently posted a comment in an entry I did back in May about my thoughts on “Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder“. Apparently, this is a real condition, and Tracy is writing an article about it. She would like to hear from anyone like me who feels poorly in the summer.

Anyway, if you’re interested, post a comment on this thread or the original “Summertime Blues” thread, and I’ll put her in contact with you. She is especially interested in hearing from people in Connecticut.

How do ya’ like that? I got a reader from Connecticut!

I feel like this entry needs a disclaimer. I don’t expect that this particular episode of Voodootime is going to be a particularly spectacular one. Seeing as I have only posted once in the last three weeks, I fear my brain has somewhat atrophied. These first weeks of wedded life has proven a bit busier than I had expected. First of all, I can barely even reach my computer at home because our apartment is filled with stuff. One really neat thing about getting married is that you get a lot of stuff. One really frustrating thing about getting married is that you get a lot of stuff. It’s great stuff (some of which was furnished by people - my family - who read this site), but so far it’s been tough to find a home in our home for all this stuff. It’ll work out eventually.

Getting stuff requires paperwork as well - in the form of Thank-You cards. A lot of people gave us stuff. A lot of Thank-You cards need to be written - by hand, with a pen and all. My hand cramps in anticipation. Once that starts (probably this weekend), it is going to be difficult to find time to do any writing elsewhere. I’ve been saving my creative energy in hopes that I might be able to come up with 200 variations on this theme:

“Dear _______________,

“Thank you (so much/very much/from the bottom of my heart) for the (wonderful/beautiful/great/loud/heavy/large/useful) ____________________. We are so (happy/honored/touched/relieved) that you thought of us with such a (generous/thoughtful/unexpected/eclectic) gift. We cannot wait to use the _______________ the next time we _______________________!

“(Sincerely/Warm Regards/Yours/Thankfully),
Us”

Anyway, once I have time to think of funny stuff to write about, I’ll be back. In the meantime, if you miss me, feel free to stop by for dinner on the new china.

Bye for now.

Weddings are one of those things that you’re sort of forced to attend from time to time as people you know and/or love get married. If you’re lucky, one or two or three of those weddings may be your own. Such is the situation in which I found myself a week ago last Saturday as I stood, in a tuxedo, in the midst of a hot Iowa summer’s day.

As I stood waiting for my bride to come down the aisle, I looked out over the nearly 200 people who came out to celebrate the event, whether out of love, friendship, or social obligation. I remembered the talks my soon-to-be wife and I had about our wedding so many months ago - the small, intimate wedding we had originally planned. Four to five times that many people sat before me now. I smiled nervously at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Happy faces. Bored faces. Critical faces. What-the-hell-am-I-doing-here faces. And that was just my family. (They know I kid)

The wedding was held at a historic mansion styled after a royal manor house in England. It was a short walk from the front door of this house down to the garden within which the ceremony would take place. Did I mention it was really hot that day? Getting married outside in the midwest in the middle of summer is an exercise in discomfort. In fact, going outside at all during the summer in the midwest is just an all-around bad idea. But there I was, keeping the sweat away by sheer force of will as the 95-degree air hung on me like a wet towel; the sun slowly baking me as it poured over my charcoal-grey tuxedo jacket. I blinked the glare from my eyes while trying to keep from looking as though I suffered from some tourettic facial tic.

Once I caught the first glimpse of ivory across the lawn that would soon resolve itself into the image of my bride, everything became more or less a blur. Somehow I managed to say all of my lines correctly and intelligibly. I remembered which hand to put her ring on. And best of all, I remembered not to lock my knees, and consequently managed to keep my feet throughout the entire ceremony.

So, having been through one of these things, I feel I should offer a few small bits of advice to my fellow men who will someday take the same fateful walk.

1. Wear comfortable shoes. My shoes pinched something awful. They also had no tread on the sole, which nearly proved treacherous across the haphazard masonry that paved the walk down the aisle.

2. Get married someplace with air-conditioning. If that wool coat feels heavy in the tuxedo shop, just think of how heavy it’s going to feel once it’s melted onto your body.

3. Wear comfortable shoes. Seriously.

Bye for now.

Here I am, back from vacation, and now my site is all fuxx0red up. I don’t have the slightest idea what is going on with the stupid thing. I attempted a rebuild last night that managed to make the entire page wonky. I imagine that there is either some weird CGI issue on the server, or maybe a style-sheet problem. Anyway, it’s probably going to take some time to sort out. Once I have everything under control again, I’ll post a bit about my adventures over the past couple of weeks.

Talk to y’all soon…