Voodoo Time Dot Com

After reading a post on one of the blogs I read regularly (each of which is very good, and I recommend you read them all… right now), I realized that I am about to spend my last weekend as a single man. Wow. For those of you who don’t know me personally, I have been engaged to a really swell gal for over two and a half years now. We like each other a lot, so we’re making it official on the 27th of this month in Des Moines, Iowa. Incidentally, that places me out of town for over a week, so new entries will be few and far between (if any) until the week of August 4th. You’ll never miss me though, as I can never seem to update this site more than once a week anyway.

As my fiance is out of town preparing for the wedding, this will be my last “bachelor” weekend. This means that after this weekend, I will never get to do the following things again:

1. Eat macaroni & cheese and nachos for three meals a day
2. Leave my underwear lying about on the floor
3. Set my Monty Python’s Flying Circus DVDs on endless rotation
4. Drink directly out of the carton/bottle
5. Sleep sideways across the bed

All in all, I feel this is a fair trade. Nonetheless I feel the need for one last party… one last weekend of irresponsibility before married life forces me to be an adult. It is in the characteristically male spirit of irresponsibility and determined self-destruction that a man and his friends get together before his wedding for a bachelor party. As I will likely not have time to have such a gathering, I invite my male readers to join me on my virtual bachelor party.

At this point, I warn all women to stop reading. This is guys-only stuff! There’s going to be drinking, and probably some boobies.

…

OK, now that the coast is clear, grab a beer. A couple of my favorites are this one, and this one. This one is even OK sometimes, but if you order this crap, I’ll have to ask you to leave.

Who’s for raunchy jokes? Anything scatological is funny too. Ha ha.. Pull my finger!

Hey, I’m pretty sure there’s supposed to be some girl jumping out of a cake at this point. Hopefully it’s someone who looks something like this, or this, or this. But if you’re waiting for someone who looks like this, you’re at the wrong party.

Well, that was certainly exciting. Thanks for coming! Now go home and sober up before the ceremony.

Bye for now.

Much like a doctor, in my line of work, I often find myself in the position of offering free advice to friends, family, and complete strangers. But instead of talking to people about their weird bumps and gimp knees, I diagnose various computer maladies. Really, I don’t mind at all. It is truly magical the way a person’s eyes light up when they learn that their computer’s built-in cup-holder can also play CDs (alas, not at the same time it’s holding a cup). Just as satisfying are the sighs of relief when people learn that installing Windows® on their computer does not require a single cutting tool.

One thing I get a lot of specific questions about is the “World Wide Net” (also known as “the Interweb”, “the Netscape”, and “my AOL”). This whole little Internet thing must really be catching on, because invariably, one of the things people are most interested in is online shopping. Sharing my online shopping experiences often elicits a shocked reaction to the effect of “You’ve actually bought something on the Internet?!” Apparently, my bimonthly orders to Amazon.com elevate me to the status of Lewis and Clark, and Edmund Hillary. Yes friends, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good! So, grab your wallets and join me as I present this simple Buying Stuff Online FAQ™.

Q. Is buying stuff online safe?
A. This seems to be the number one question of the uninitiated. Yes, it is generally safe to buy stuff online. The rule of thumb is common sense - if a website looks like the digital equivalent of a guy selling stereos out of the back of his van, take your business elsewhere.

Q. What kinds of stuff can I buy online?
A. Anything. Really. You can buy books, music, tools, food, clothing, jewlery, cars, diplomas, homes, insurance, prescription drugs, and wives with a credit card and a few clicks of your mouse. You can even order Internet service over the Internet.

Q. Where can I buy stuff online?
A. There are two things on the Internet that are never in short supply: Porn and people who want to help you spend your money (often both at the same time). Arguably the two most popular online shopping destinations are Amazon.com and eBay.com. Amazon.com started as an online bookstore, but has grown to include a wide selection of music, tools, kitchenware, houses, exotic pets, and interstellar spacecraft. eBay is not so much a website as it is a disease which infects many new Web users. The unsuspecting newbie who comes in contact with eBay will begin exhibiting obsessive and compulsive behavior almost immediately after exposure. As eBay is a very expensive disease, immediate intervention is recommended.

Q. Why would I buy stuff online rather than from a real store?
A. You can shop in your underwear. You could try doing that at the mall, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Q. Where can I find more information about buying stuff online?
A. You can buy my new book Buying Stuff Online by entering your name, address, and credit card number (with expiry date, please) in the comments section.

Bye for now.

Someone around here has been barbecuing again. It’s not steak, or chicken, or veggie burgers. It’s my town - as in the town is on fire. For the second time in as many days, the air smells of smoke from a fresh brush fire. Last month, I sat on the porch and watched the hills burn about four miles away. Yesterday, the smoke poured thick from a fire about two miles from home. Today, if the fire had crossed the freeway offramp two blocks away, I’d be in trouble. Tomorrow, I’m putting a change of clothes in the car and calling about renter’s insurance.

It’s really an odd panicky feeling when friends come up to you out of nowhere and invite you to stay at their house. Yesterday my aunt called me at work to invite me to come over if I couldn’t get home. Both times, I had been completely unaware that the place was ablaze. Both times I got nervous, then I just sat and thought about it. There was nothing else I could do. I’m not a firefighter, nor do I seem to have any telekinetic power of any kind over the weather (though not for lack of will). Fire is one of those things that is about as manageable as it wants to be. A strong fire with plenty of fuel and favorable weather conditions is basically unstoppable.

Fire is probably the greatest thing that ever happened to humankind. Fire is probably the number one reason why humans were able to thrive in many parts of the world. Fire allowed us to stay warm, to cook food, to keep predators away, and to bend to our will the Earth’s minerals. As responsible as it was for many of humankind’s greatest advancements, so did it destroy many. Several fires in the great library at Alexandria annihilated perhaps the greatest store of ancient history and literature ever. The term “prehistoric” would apply to a much earlier time than it does now, if we still had the writings once kept in the library’s great stores. Fire has also claimed our homes many times before. Notable examples are the city of London in 1666, and Chicago in 1871.

It is in times like these when we see how much more awesome nature is than anything we seem to be able to manage. She teases us with an illusion that we run the show with our candles and umbrellas - those little things that make us feel in control of the classical elements (earth, fire, air, water). But every once in a while we’re all forced to remember who’s boss. The Earth has its ways of letting us know that it’s going to be alright with us or without us.

Anyway, I have one more thing to say about smoke and fire. Black boogers.

Bye for now.

There is a man from India who claims he can orchestrate World Peace™ for the modest sum of $1 billion. The man is Maharishi Mahesh Yogi - guru to many thousands of people worldwide who have come seeking happiness through the Maharishi’s Transcendental Meditation™ techniques. The $1 billion will be enough to train and support 40,000 expert meditators who will immediately set to work on meditating on world peace and transmitting ultra-positive vibrations that will bring all of humanity in tune with one another. The $1 billion amounts to some $25,000 per meditator. Not to be a pessimist, but I think it would be prudent to ask for some sort of guarantee.

The idea behind all of this is that if enough people think happy thoughts, then happiness will manifest itself throughout the world regardless of how ugly the other 6 billion of us are. The end result: the happy thoughts of 40,000 Indian guys are going to wash that pain right out of our hair. I’m not sure about the significance of 40,000 meditators. There was a time in my life when I worked for $25,000/year. I don’t think I generated a whole lot of happiness back then.

Then I found out that the annual per capita income in India is a whopping $450. This is 1.5% of the annual per capita in the U.S. of $31,000. A $25,000 paycheck for these Indian meditators is the equivalent of a $1.7 million paycheck in the United States! Now I see where the happiness is coming from. If someone handed you a check for $1.7 million, how much happiness could you project? I, for one, would get pretty damn happy in a hurry. I wouldn’t even have to meditate.

I have to think that someone out there can do better than this. Personally, I think it won’t be long before a competing Maharishi puts in a lower bid. I think we should wait a little while. There is a rule when you are looking for a house or a car. You never buy the first one you see. Since world peace is apparently a big-ticket item, I suggest we hold off for now. In a few years, I think world peace is going to be really affordable.

As a world leader in socio-political philosophy, the think tank here at the VoodooTime Institute have put together our own plan for world peace and happiness, and we’re giving it away for free. The plan is simple really, yet profound in its elegance.

Silk underpants. Because it’s really hard to be angry in silk underpants.

Bye for now.

Today I’m going to share with the group a story that I like. It’s Buddhist in origin, but in the end there is a moral here for everyone I think.

There was a western monk who was sitting outside in a forest one night with a group of village-born Laotian monks. The westerner looked up into the sky and noticed a star he had never seen before. On closer inspection, he noticed that the star was moving. He realized the star was actually a satellite, and he pointed it out to his fellow monks to observe.

“What’s a satellite?” they asked.

He began explaining how satellites circle the earth, and came to discover that the monks did not know that the Earth is round. In fact, the “uneducated” monks seemed to find it to be a rather amusing and impossible proposal. The westerner took it upon himself to begin explaining various concepts of astrophysics and he picked up a smooth, round rock. Shining his flashlight against it, he demonstrated the passing of days and seasons as the Earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the sun.

The monks listened with rapt attention, but the westerner could tell that, deep down, they didn’t really believe him. At last, a quiet old monk spoke up. “So, you know that the world is round,” he began, “and you know that the Earth circles the sun. But ultimately, what good will all your knowledge do you?”

The western monk stopped and found that the older monk was right. All in all, his education did not make him happy, or give him peace. Nor was his intellect likely to help him gain enlightenment. The westerner came to understand that only wisdom is important - only that which enables inner peace and liberation from suffering.

And kids, the moral of this story is,

If you want to be truly happy, don’t pay attention in school.

Bye for now.