Voodoo Time Dot Com

What a coincidence that I found this in the newspaper this morning. Why, just yesterday I said to myself “…if only I had some creamy chocolate in a tube.“

For some reason, all of the sudden, I’ve been getting tons of German spam in my e-mail (the address used by the “Write to Me” link on this site).

As I do not read German, I had to send the message text to the all-knowing, all-powerful Babel Fish to sort it out for me. For my money, the Babel Fish and online driving directions are tied for the most useful applications of the Internet. Well, porn too. But I digress.

Here is my most recent correspondence (as translated by the Babel Fish) from a supposed german young lady identified only as Deine:

Hello, unfortunately you did not announce yourself on my last Mail. Since I must however constantly think of you, I now attempt it again. Perhaps my Mail did not arrive at all with you. It would be to be had simply only beautifully you with me. Since I saw you the first time, I can think of nothing other more. Unfortunately I can not estimate your feelings and do not dare you personally to respond. Therefore this way over the Mail. I have myself with a contact market announced over which you experience can who I am. There one can speak even live with one another. If you want to know who I are, come nevertheless simply times there. At the side you arrive here: [URL deleted] I hope I can you soon into my arms close.

Almost makes you cry, doesn’t it?

My paranormally hypersensitive readers have no doubt noticed that things have gone a bit weird since Saturday. You see, all attempts at communication are going to hell in a handbasket for the next few weeks as the planet Mercury enters a retrograde period in our nighttime sky.

According to Dr. Manny Stahrs, chair of the Voodootime Institute’s Department of Astrology, “Planet Mercury is highly influential in matters of communication, technology, and a bunch of other crap. As Mercury moves backwards through the sky, you’ve maybe noticed that your computer is not working correctly. Or perhaps you can’t understand what your boss is asking you to do. Maybe your children and pets are not obeying you.” When asked how this was different from every other day of the year, Dr. Stahrs declined comment, citing an urgent and sudden need to visit the men’s room.

After this discussion, I started talking to myself. “Myself,” I began, “how is it that the movement of a tiny planet with a mean distance to Earth of some 150 million kilometers (approx. 93 million miles) can affect my communication with others? Well, because the planet Mercury was named after the Roman messenger god who was, incidentally, named Mercury. The Greeks knew him as Hermes. Mercury had winged sandals that he used to fly great distances to deliver messages to the gods. He is not to be confused with Sciaticus who delivered massages to the gods.

Since Mercury was the Roman god of communication, and the planet closest to the Sun is called Mercury, then it follows logically that said planet holds some dominion over communication throughout the solar system. Personally, I find that hard to swallow, but I cannot fully discount this theory as baseless. After all, I am seeing a disquieting trend this week at work. People keep calling me with computer problems, but I can’t understand a word they’re saying. Then when I tell them how to fix it, they disobey me.

Incidentally, this blog entry isn’t coming along so great either - Mercury in retrograde or writer’s block?

Anyway, I believe that a solution already exists for use in these troubled times. Think about this. What do English-speaking people do when we encounter someone who does not understand us? We speak s-l-o-w-l-y and LOUDLY and with extravagant hand gestures. So until October 6, it behooves all of us to walk around like we’re touring Istanbul or someplace. I’m not sure if wearing a Hawaiian shirt and dress socks with sandals helps, but it’s certainly worth a try. If you go that route, be sure to send pictures.

B-Y-E  F-O-R  N-O-W.

Have you ever had a dream about something and it ends up happening within a day or two? That happened to me again a couple nights ago. I dreamt that one of my customers got a virus on their network that I ended up having to clean up. I woke up very happy that it was just a dream. Then yesterday I got a call from that customer saying that they had a virus loose on the network.

Crap.

Luckily, it turned out that the virus was actually caught (as it should be) by the user’s anti-virus software. So the dream wasn’t quite the same, but close enough for discomfort.

Today I’m really scared because last night I dreamt I was working in a coal mine like 100 miles underground. It was pretty dark, except for the Hello Kitty nightlights that OSHA put down there. Anyway, I was late for work, so the only gear left was the ugly green helmet with the broken headlamp on it, and the left-handed pickaxe. So I grabbed the crappy gear and walked off to my little mining corner and started chipping away. I just kept tapping and tapping away, but I wasn’t getting any good coal. I’m not sure what good coal would be, but in my dream I seemed to know that this was not it. So I moved over and started chipping away in a different area. Still no good coal there, but all of the sudden I struck the rock and a little diamond fell into my bucket.

Holy crap.

So I screwed the sorry green broken helmet down on my head, and I picked up the left-handed pickaxe and I laid into that rock and went for broke. Everytime I struck, diamonds would roll down into my bucket. Over and over again - with each strike, more and more diamonds would come out. Before long I filled my bucket. I set an empty one down, and before I knew it, I had that one full too. Soon, at my feet, were two buckets filled to overflowing with diamonds.

Then, around the corner I heard footsteps. In the glow of the Hello Kitty nightlights, I could just make out my supervisor walking toward me with his clipboard. He asked me how much I’ve managed to mine out so far. I held up a bucket of diamonds and said “Two buckets! Can you believe it?”

Tiny multicolored beams of light danced playfully across his frown. “What the hell are we supposed to do with this??” he grumbled. “Did you even try to get any coal today? You’re hours behind now!”

“But, look!” I protested, “These have got to be worth millions. There’s still more in the rock! This is going to make the company tons of money!”

My supervisor shook his head and dumped the diamonds into a scrap pile. “This is a coal mine, son. We mine coal here. Don’t rock the boat.”

Crap.

So anyway, I woke up - luckily enough on the Earth’s surface. I thought “Oh no… what did that dream mean? Am I going to lose my job or something? Am I going to have to work in some grubby mine for the rest of my life to make a meager living until I finally die of black lung?” I shrugged it off and basically forgot about it for most of the day. Later today I realized that wasn’t a dream about the future. That dream plays itself out every weekday in my real life.

Bye for now. (cough)

I was out at a customer’s site last week doing some server diagnostics and maintenance along with one of our PC technicians. He was there to put in an iMac PC (yes, Macs are Personal Computers too) for a new user there. This particular iMac happened to be the older “fruit-flavored” series. The PC also happened to be pink - strawberry actually.

So the tech sets this PC down and starts hooking it up. Once he had it all set up, a young lady in the next cubicle peered over and saw what was taking place. Here’s what happened:

Cubicle Lady: “Uhhhmmm… That’s not going to work.”
Tech: “Sure it will. We tested it in the office before I got here.”
CL: “No. I mean that color. You’re going to have to bring in a different one.”
T: “Why? What’s wrong with it?”
CL: “It’s pink.”
T: “It’s strawberry actually.”
CL: “The new assistant is a guy. He won’t want to work on a pink computer.”
T: “Did you ask him?”
CL: “No, but he’s a guy. Would you want to work on a pink computer?”
T: “It’s strawberry - and yeah, sure I’d use it. It’s just a tool anyway.”
CL: “Well, he’s not ‘one of those’ so I doubt he’ll like it as much as you do.”
T: “Look, it’s not as if it’s a big shining beacon of pink anyway - I mean the keyboard is orange and the mouse is teal!”
CL: “It’s not right to make him use a pink computer.”
T: “For one, if having a pink computer makes him insecure in his masculinity that’s his problem. Second, this one is already configured and ready to go - we’re not building a whole new machine just so this guy can have a ‘manly’ computer. Besides, all the colored models look fruity anyway.”

It went on that way for some time. Cubicle Lady could not let go of the idea that a pink computer was going to turn the new assistant into a flaming homosexual - as if “the new guy” is going to walk in as Wilt Chamberlain and walk out as Christopher Lowell. I can just see it…

“What the hell is this?! A pink computer? Is this some kind of joke?! I mean really… A strapping heterosexual guy like me could never be seen in front of a gay homosexual pink computer like this! No sir! I mean, this thing better not be here again tomorrow. I need something more masculine like orange, or hot cherry, or teal. Oh well… I hope no one sees me using this gay computer. I’ll use it today - work’s gotta get done. But I can’t be using a gay pink computer everyday. I mean it’s pink… and gay! It’s kind of a cool-looking pink though. I’d call it ’strawberry’ actually. It’s practically red. Cool. I don’t know why they gave me an orange keyboard and a teal mouse though. They should just bring ’strawberry’ ones so they match. Boy, I’m starting to feel a little funny. And why is the music from Les Miserables running through my head? Boy do I love men!”

Uh oh.. Cubicle Lady was right - the computer did turn him gay! I guess there’s a lesson to be learned here. You shouldn’t use computers. Using computers will make you gay.

Here I am, back from vacation, and now my site is all fuxx0red up. I don’t have the slightest idea what is going on with the stupid thing. I attempted a rebuild last night that managed to make the entire page wonky. I imagine that there is either some weird CGI issue on the server, or maybe a style-sheet problem. Anyway, it’s probably going to take some time to sort out. Once I have everything under control again, I’ll post a bit about my adventures over the past couple of weeks.

Talk to y’all soon…

I was just going through my traffic statistics. I do so from time to time just to check and see if I’ve become popular yet. I also check to see the search strings that lead people to this site.

For those of you who do not run your own websites, everytime you visit Yahoo, Google, or wherever, and do a search, that search text is sent to the page you end up visiting. For example, if you go to Google and type “time dot com”, this page is currently the number one result. And if you click on the link, I will see, in my web traffic stats, that someone visited the page by searching for “time dot com”. Usually the searches range from ordinary to slightly odd. But this time, I found something I just had to share with the group.

Some poor soul has found this site by searching for voodoo remedies for diarrhea. And while I question the relevance, this site shows up on the first page of results. At first I thought that search text was pretty funny. Now I think it’s pretty sad. Some poor person is probably dealing with diarrhea so powerful and relentless, that he/she is searching for anything to relieve it. Or perhaps the person suffers from Voodoo Diarrhea, the tragic result of a powerful voodoo curse.

So, unknown visitor, I wish you the best of luck in your crusade. As for the rest of us, let us take this moment to give thanks that we are not afflicted with Voodoo Diarrhea.

Somehow in the last few weeks, I’ve heard about a phenomenon called Spontaneous Human Invisibility. This is reminiscent of the somewhat more urgent phenomenon of Spontaneous Human Combustion in which a person allegedly bursts into flames with no apparent, external causality. The invisibility condition is sometimes referred to as Spontaneous Human Involuntary Invisibility (SHII), suggesting that this often happens to people against their will. Oddly enough, Spontaneous Human Combustion is never called Spontaneous Human Involuntary Combustion. Perhaps it’s implied.

I find curious the stipulation that this is a human condition. Is this because this affects only human beings? If so, I feel animal research is needed in order to find the genetic differences that prevent all non-human animals from being affected. More likely, I feel that the condition does affect animals (especially cats), but is simply underreported.

Here at Voodoo Time Dot Com, we (I) investigate the tough issues so you don’t have to. The following is a brief synopsis of the symptoms of Spontaneous Human Involuntary Invisibility. As one might expect, SHII is a condition under which a person momentarily becomes completely transparent and inaudible. Reportedly, one’s clothing and anything he/she is carrying disappears along with the subject. Once invisible, the victim is completely unable to communicate with others. Many SHII patients will fall victim to more than a single event of spontaneous involuntary invisibility. It is unclear whether corporeal contact (e.g., kicking the nearest non-invisible person) has any effect.

I propose that SHII is merely a problem of perception. In fact, in a recent poll that I just made up, invisibility ranked second only to teleportation as the most desired superhuman ability. I believe the very real problem here is not the invisibility event itself, but rather the attitude of the afflicted. While a state of invisibility may be a hindrance to certain activities (crossing the street, and using the bathroom standing up are two that come immediately to mind), it is clear that the benefits (creeping people out, and petty larceny) far outweigh the disadvantages.

I propose an international convention of SHII sufferers in order to raise public awareness of this baffling medical anomaly. There would be support workshops and voluntary medical tests for those willing to submit to a series of (mostly) painless scientific experimentation into their condition. I would like to take this opportunity to formally offer my services as a keynote speaker. While I do not have any credible expertise in this field, I just think it would be really fun to watch audience members randomly wink in and out of sight.

Bye for now.

I’ve been reading a few blogs here and there looking for a bit of inspiration for the direction I want to take this thing. I am at this point where I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my creative edge. Regular visitors to this site know that I can be a bit flaky in regards to my frequency of posts, but I’ve really been slacking lately. Partially, the problem is that I’ve been kind of busy of late. I’ve been working late more often than not, and on weekends as well. It sort of saps all the humor right out of a person.

But dammit, I have readers! I have almost enough readers to count on two hands - more than that if I count the occassional visitor who stumbles in here from a Google search for voodoo tights, solar water heater france, or mountain dew side effects (actual search strings from my web stats). I owe you all a show, and by golly I’m going to put one on. The question is, what kind of show?

I noticed that many blogs out there fall into two basic pools. There are topical blogs with current events stories and commentary, and there are personal blogs filled with random thoughts and stories. Voodoo Time tends to float more in the latter. So I began investigating those personal blogs for some commonality - an aggregating factor, if you will, that makes a journal-style blog successful. I found several well-read blogs that seem to have a common formula. That formula is teenage depression.

Therefore, I present the new Voodoo Time Dot Com - like it or leave it. I don’t give a crap. Here’s a poem you’ll all hate because you don’t understand me:

The bluebird sings ‘neath yon window sill
As sunlight hits my eye
But the happy song of morning will
Ne’er stop the tears I cry

Nevermore shall my broken heart
Make another tick
Nor for breath shall my lips part
Covered in black lipstick

Crap… This isn’t working. I haven’t read enough Anne Rice novels to do this right. And that poem was all out of meter and everything. I think I’m going to have to stop being an angst blogger, and go back to the old format. Sorry if I alienate any of my new goth readers with my return to normality.

Anyway, thanks for sticking around. I’m off to wipe all this black nail polish off. Now what do I do about all these piercings?

Bye for now.

There has been some talk recently that Pope John Paul II is looking for a patron saint of the Internet and computer programmers. The favored candidate is St. Isidore of Seville (560 - 636) - St. Isidore was a brother of three other saints. He wrote a dictionary, an encyclopaedia, and a few history texts. He was a teacher, and brought the writings of Aristotle to Spain.

As a connoisseur of knowledge and information, I’d say St. Isidore fits the bill pretty well. However, I suspect that there may be other saints who could be equally qualified. Since I am not Catholic, I used this list from The Catholic Community Forum. Here are my candidates for patron saint of the Internet:

Gratus of Aosta (??? - 470): I could not find much information on him, but supposedly he is the patron saint of the fear of insects (aka “bugs”). All computer users, especially programmers, fear bugs (in software… get it? Ha!). Alright, it’s a stretch… Let me see who else there is…

The Archangel Raphael - Raphael’s patronage includes many things, one of which is eye problems. We all know that sitting a foot away from the screen all day is going to make us all go blind. This is especially significant to those of you who spend a lot of time on porn sites. Don’t you remember what your mother told you about that??

St. Dymphna (???) - Dymphna is the patron of mental illness, which to those of us who have been “online” for some time, is quite obviously a problem on the Internet.

Gengulphus (??? - 760) - The patron saint of unhappy marriages; With the explosion of online gaming, porn, and chat sites, I’m guessing there are more than a few households who should be asking this saint for help.

Well, I don’t think my choices are going to get much consideration. That’s okay. Maybe we should concentrate on the positives of The Information Revolution ™. In fact, I propose a patron saint for bloggers. I nominate St. Francis de Sales (1567 - 1622). St. Francis used letters and written pamphlets to spread the Word. His teachings emphasized love and joy. In fact, in 1608, he wrote a book called Introduction to the Devout Life, which was written originally as a series of letters. This book was condemned by many preachers at the time because St. Francis encouraged dancing and the telling of jokes. His last word of advice was to a nun, to whom he said simply, “humility” - certainly a fine sentiment to contemplate when our web stats are down.

Bye for now.