Voodoo Time Dot Com

There are people who, by virtue of their character or fame, the average person comes to admire - even envy. There are many rich and famous people in this world with whom the average person would trade places in a second, given the opportunity. As for myself, I am neither rich nor famous. But, nonetheless, some rat bastard out there is pretending to be me.

I just happened to check my checking account balance today, and it came up a bit short. Actually it came up a lot short. I had the automated voice droid run my last few checks. Hey! I thought, I didn’t write that check!

Or that one… or that one… or… damn.

In two days, someone has managed to write ten checks (so far) robbing me of a few thousand dollars. I spent the day closing my bank account, and trying to explain to customer service drones that I did not, in fact, intentionally drain my account of nearly all my money in the past two days. They explained that the case must now be formally investigated, results pending in five to seven business days. So I am assured that I will be hearing from a representative by the end of next week. So just try not to buy anything or pay any bills before then.

So some asshole is playing his new X-Box on his new HDTV, and consequently my wife and I now have to stay in for Valentine’s Day. This is just one more reason for me to keep hating people.

Sometimes, I can’t help thinking apocalypse can’t come soon enough.

The Earth rotates on its axis approximately once every 23 hours, 57 minutes. In the time the Earth takes to make a complete orbit around the sun, the Earth has turned 365.242 such rotations. We mark the occasion on an arbitrary day - the first of January. Ideally, on January 1st (and any other day for that matter) our planet should be in the exact same position relative to the sun as it was on that date in the previous year. But it isn’t. So because of a minor deficiency in our gregorian calendar, we add a day to every fourth year to catch up (except of course, for years which are divisible by 100 and not divisible by 400).

So once again, January 1st has come and gone - about a quarter of a day earlier than last time. Happy New Year, everyone. We all know the beginning of the new year is a time for reflection on the past, and plans for the future. It is a long-standing tradition that we make resolutions at the beginning of the year in order to better ourselves. Common examples are resolutions to lose weight, break a vice or a bad habit, save money, get organized, etc..

Personally, I’m not really one for resolutions. They involve too much conscious effort, and as I am a slave to inertia, that’s far more effort than I am comfortable with. Instead I think it would be much more convenient for me if everyone else modified their habits and personalities to accommodate me. To that end, I have come up with a list of New Year’s resolutions for everyone else.

Read more. Sports Illustrated and Cosmopolitan don’t count. People need to read more books and newspapers. Maybe we can all discuss something other than what was on television last night.

Stop watching sitcoms. See above.

Use your automobile’s turn signals. It’s only common courtesy to signal your intention to enter my lane before cutting me off with your gigantic SUV.

Register to vote. If you don’t vote, you’re not allowed to complain. Well… I guess you can still complain in you want, but the rest of us will just laugh at you. If you are already registered to vote, do it again - only this time, register as independent. Party politics makes people dumb.

Don’t believe everything you see or hear. If we have learned only one thing from the New York Times debacle, it is that mass media cannot be trusted. And that goes for those e-mails that are always getting forwarded around. Anti-perspirant does not cause breast cancer. No one is growing kittens in jars. And Bill Gates is not going to send you money for forwarding e-mail.

Actually, feel free to ignore all that. You don’t really want to be like me anyway (except for the part about turn signals - use your turn signals!). Besides, the Bible codes and the Mayan calendar say we’re all going to die in 2012 anyway. It’s true! I saw it on the Internet!

Happy New Year.

I recently wrote a piece at Chapel Furnace entitled “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Recall”.

I’m reposting it here for anyone who’s interested. Click the link below to read it. I’m turning off comments for this post, because this site isn’t really about political discussion. But if you’re interested in discussing it (or just in telling me how wrong I am), I encourage you to head over to the Furnace.
(more…)

I have received my sample ballot for the upcoming gubernatorial recall election. After reviewing the candidates, I have determined that there is no way I can make a choice without hating myself in the morning.

So, I’ve decided that if I’m going to compromise my integrity, then there ought to be something in it for me. That is why I have decided to sell my vote.

For Sale: One vote in the California statewide special election on October 7, 2003.

(1) Danish, donut, bagel, or other pastry (if available in polling area)

Please make your bids in the comments section. Bidding begins immediately, and will continue until October 6, 2003. I will also consider products or services in trade or barter!

So, in the history of this website, there have been two posts that have become overnight, runaway successes. These two articles gather more readers in a week than all of my other entries combined. You might think this would encourage me because, afterall, I’ve written some stuff I really like,

like this
or this.
Then there’s this one.
And I think this one is pretty good…

But alas, Voodootime’s Greatest Hits™ are not the same as The Best of Voodootime™. No… so far my two most popular entries ever are the time I published the words to the Spongebob Squarepants theme in Spanish, and the time I mentioned that I like this new show on TNN. So people looking for this kind of information might do a little search on Google, and find this site. This has happened many, many times…

The score so far…
Spongebob: approx. 1800 hits since December
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge: over 1300 hits in a single month

So with this in mind, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce the Voodootime.com Cracker Jack™ doctrine. From now on, every post will include at least one paragraph detailing some television show or other random bit of pop culture. Just think of it as the cheap plastic toy that sells the box.

So whether this is your first visit, or just your first visit today, I’d like to thank you for stopping by. And I’ll just close for now by saying, AMERICAN IDOL, THE MATRIX, BRITNEY SPEARS NAKED!!!

Well, it looks as though I’ve received my first comment from a troll. For those of you unclear on the lingo, a “troll” is someone who seeks to deliberately incite anger, arguments, and disorder. My First Troll™ manifested himself in the comments section of a short post I made some time ago mentioning some concerns I have about the impending war against Iraq in the form of a short tongue-in-cheek “open letter” to President Bush.

The original post is here. The troll wrote his comment in the voice of President Bush (you can read his entire post in the “comments” section), and brought up some very relevant and debatable points. However, these arguments are presented in a very condescending manner, rife with ad hominem attacks and intimations that I am unqualified to carry the opinions I do about the matter. Loathe as I am to feed a troll, seeing as how our anonymous visitor spent so much time typing up this little attack, I will give at least the courtesy of one rebuttal. So here it is. The comment text will be italicized, and my responses will be in bolded text.

1. Where is Osama bin Laden?

Great question - I wish *I* knew - sure could use the reward money. But the point you are getting at - I believe - is that issues need to be dealt with in a serial fashion. This may be hard for you to believe - but we have *lots* of folks looking for him - there are a few guys we have not sent to Iraq! Did you notice we collared up on arch-scumbag Khalid Shaikh Muhammed last week? You see Justis - while it will be nice to take a long piss on Mr. Bin Laden’s grave - keeping him on the run and hiding under a rock is just as effective at preventing terror attacks. How many of the ‘new waves of terror’ that we keep hearing about have actually happened since 9/11 ? Oh - none. Don’t worry though - we can make *lots* of mistakes - Mr. Bin Laden can make only *one* - his day will be here soon - I assure you.

First of all, I am not so linearly-minded as to assume that any international chain of events must occur in a “serial fashion”. My point remains simply this: Where is Osama bin Laden? When the Bush administration declared “War on Terror”, it was all about Al Qaida and the capture or death of Osama bin Laden. Once that began to fade from inevitability to possibility, the focus then became Iraq. I am not saying that Iraq is a non-issue. I suggest that Iraq is a bait-and-switch tactic. We have not captured Osama, so the administration is focusing our anger on Hussein instead. Hey, it’s in the same general geographic region right? Why not?!

2. Who was behind the Anthrax mailings of Autumn 2001?

Another good question. You *do* realize that investigations take time? It took *decades* to find the Uni-bomber. Chill - it was alomst certainly a domestic right wing nutball - if and when he comes up for air - he will get nabbed. Are you really *this* scared about the subject? Yipes - I bet you are opening your mail with gloves.

The first ad hominem attack - attempting to make a point by suggesting that my question was motivated by fear. My motivation, dear visitor, is merely that there is yet another facet to this “War on Terror” that has been all but abandoned. If the anthrax mailer is merely “a domestic right wing nutball” he ought to be comparatively easy to find, right? And if we can’t find some “nutball” within the borders of our own nation, how am I supposed to believe your assertion that bin Laden’s “day will be here soon”?

3. Why are we more worried about Iraq, a nation that may have an emerging nuclear program, than we are about North Korea

1. Iraq *lost* a war way back in 1991 - now - you might not have been around for this - but they *started* this war by invading a country called Kuwait. Yup - hard to believe - but true. Anyway - as part of the ‘peace’ accord they signed - they had eight (8) days to turn over all their nuclear material. Funny thing - alomst 8 YEARS later some of the bumbling UN inspectors tripped over the makings of a gas centrifuge. Yipes! Add to this the materials (the infamous aluminum tubes) that keep turning up - well - seems like naughty stuff to me. Anyway a condition of the surrender of Iraq was they would not do stuff like this.

Thanks for the “clue”, dear visitor. The second ad hominem attack comes here with the suggestion that I am too young to remember the events leading up to Operations Desert Shield and Desert Storm. Ignoring that trite bit of drivel, I am well aware of the UN resolutions resulting from Desert Storm, as well as the tenets of said resolutions. I will emphasize the following point, so as to make my position more clear.

Iraq has a responsibility to live up to the tenets of their agreement with the UN. Noncompliance should have consequences. My point is, why were these consequences not served four years ago when the UN inspectors were forced to leave Iraq? If you wish, you may blame the American administration at the time. But, under this reasoning, why was war with Iraq never mentioned during the Bush presidency until after 9/11/01?

2. Iraq has something that NK does not - money. Lot’s of it. NK is just about to implode - give them another winter without food or oil and we’ll see how much of a fight’n mood they are in. Let’s face it - you can’t eat a bomb. (unless its one of those choclate ones they make here for dessert sometimes - yum!)

Perhaps you’ve forgotten the number one reason for wars throughout human history - lack of resources. When you are the leader of a nation that spends it’s entire GDP on its military, you end up in the position of having no food and lots and lots of guns. North Korea is a starving dog. It’s not going to roll over and wait for someone to feed it. When it gets hungry enough, it will bite.

3. NK *may* have a nuclear bomb - small correction for you there - but they have not tested a ‘bomb’ ever. So while they may have ONE - it may not work. Yes - I know you think building such things are easy - but it is *just* a tiny bit harder then you think. Second - they have to get it here - and as you might guess - popping test shots over Japan is a bit less complex the getting a ICBM to come down in my backyard.

You are correct, I should not have said “nuclear weapons”, but rather “nuclear weapons program”. However, I never said NK had an ICBM. It is fact, however, that NK does possess missles capable of reaching other countries and delivering a nuclear payload. See, there are two components to a “nuclear bomb”: the rocket, and the warhead. It’s not terribly difficult, once one has the necessary components, to put the two together.

Anyway - while this was before your time - there once was a country called the USSR that had thousands (!) of missles (that worked) aimed at us. We managed to live though that - so don’t soil your drawers now OK ? It’s not as scary as it seems.

Again with the ad hominem attacks. Again I am apparently too young and uninformed to remember the Cold War. Dear visitor, I urge you to review your history and realize that my age of 26 years is well within the timeline of the former Soviet Union. Again, if we should not be worried about Weapons of Mass Destruction if they are possessed by a country that cannot reach us with them, then why are we so concerned with Iraq having them? They don’t even have missles that will leave their own country!

4. Why are we more concerned about Iraq, a nation that may have links to Al Qaida, than we are about countries like Eqypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia who are known to have links to Al Qaida?

Boy - for someone who has never even been outside the US - you really seem to know a lot! Well - first - let’s be clear - Iraq *does* have links to Al Qaida. I know you don’t belive this - and there is not real way to prove it - but its there.

This is my favorite part of your comment. It begins with another personal attack. This time, I am unqualified to hold my opinion because I am not a world traveller. And I suppose you, dear visitor, have travelled all over Egypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia? While I may not have yet had an opportunity for international travel (we aren’t all made of money, you know), while you were snapping photos of Paris and Rome with mumsey, I was probably in school or reading a newspaper. So, yeah, I know a thing or two.

Prove it.

Second - what makes you so sure some of these other countries aren’t on the list? You are darn right - these places *are* swamps that need draining - but let’s just wrap up Iraq first shall we?

Well let’s see the list then. And do you really believe that the US is going to engage in military action with Eqypt or Saudi Arabia? Whatever.

Last - and again you might be too un-informed or isolated to know this - but Iraq has done some *really* naughty things. Like gassing (with mustard and nerve gas) several *hundred* thousand people in Iraq. Like using torture - mass executions - and rape as regular tools of everyday life. You see Justis - as hard as if may be for you to understand - sometimes you need to take a scumbag like Saddam out ‘just becasue’.

Again - having probably never faced anything more dangerous in your own life then your favorite TV show being cancelled - its hard for you to understand the fear, the horror, that the people of Iraq live with everyday. So this point is no doubt lost on you. However - hopefully - in time - your world will expand to realize there *is* more the what you see on TV or read on the Internet. Perhaps you will understand. In the meantime - the grown-ups have to take care of stuff like this.

More of the same personal attacks. I understand that Hussein has an abysmal human rights record. But so do North Korea, Saudi Arabia, China, Burma, Turkmenistan, Belarus… Should I go on, old chap? Don’t try to make this into a moral issue to liberate the poor oppressed people of Iraq when the Bush administration is ignoring countless human rights abusers worldwide. How much poking and prodding did the UN have to do before the US finally went into Bosnia to help stop the “ethnic cleansing” under Milosevic?

Well - I have to go now - but since you are *so* smart - maybe you could post answers to these questions on your little web site.

1. If not war - what exactly should we do with Iraq? After 12 years of inspections - 17 UN sanctions and one war (in 91) I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject. Please educate us on *your* solution.

Iraq needs to be dealt with. But it should be an international intervention. Again, I never said we should never go to war with Iraq. My point is that I believe that the focus on Iraq under the guise of the “War on Terror” is irresponsible. This is not War on Terror. This is War on Iraq.

2. What is the ’solution’ to North Korea (note - since they already violated the oil/food for no nukes treaty the UN/clinton signed 3 years ago you have to tell me how you plan to prevent them doing the same thing again if the solution you propose is ‘more talks’)

I feel that the international community should take notice of the situation and discuss the possibilities. While I do not have the answer you demand, I do have the mental capacity to realize that ignoring this won’t make it go away.

3. What do *you* think should be the punishment for a regiem that has killed over a million of its own citizens ? If now is *not* the time for action - let us all know what the line in the sand is that does make it OK to stop genocide.

I believe that all such regimes should face international pressure and face consequences for their reprehensible behavior. While you pretend to weep for the Iraqi people, I fear for the safety of people being quietly tortured and unfairly imprisoned in parts of the world you couldn’t even point to on a map.

If you could get back to *me* in the next few weeks - that would be great.

Done.

God Bless

GW

Cute. Whatever.

Bye for now.

Dear Mr. President,

As war with Iraq approaches inevitability, I still find myself confused over a few minor matters that I was hoping you could clear up before the killing starts:

1. Where is Osama bin Laden?
2. Who was behind the Anthrax mailings of Autumn 2001?
3. Why are we more worried about Iraq, a nation that may have an emerging nuclear program, than we are about North Korea who already has nuclear weapons, and has threatened to use them against other nations, including the US, and is currently testing a missle capable of delivering a warhead to the US mainland?
4. Why are we more concerned about Iraq, a nation that may have links to Al Qaida, than we are about countries like Eqypt, Syria, and Saudi Arabia who are known to have links to Al Qaida?

Anyway, Mr. President, if you could get back to me on that in the next few weeks, that would be great. Please excuse me if you are too busy writing the Patriot Act II, which I have no doubt already violated by writing this letter.

Sincerely,
Justis

America has a problem with foul language. It’s tearing at the very fabric of society, turning us all into a nation of rude, self-righteous bastards.

It’s not that we are cursing too often or gratuitously; not at all. It’s that we’re not cursing often enough. Yes that’s right. I urge you all to go out and start using the A-word, the B-word, the C-word, the D-word, and the rainbow of colorful E through Z words that comprise the vulgar vernacular.

“But, Justis,” you say, “if I did that, why I’d be no better than those potty-mouths on the MTV and the rock and roll music!”

Au contraire, mon petit concombre! Mais Non! Pas du tout.

Please, excuse my french, but I’m really passionate about this. The problem is not with the foul of mouth, but rather with those of us who are offended by it. Words, in and of themselves, have no power. I could stand at the top of the world and scream the F-word at the top of my lungs and nothing would happen. The F-word has no innate power. The only power it has lies in the minds of others. In fact, merely by calling it “the F-word” I just gave it more power. The mystique continues because I won’t print the word fuck on my website.

Now that I wrote it, your eye is drawn to it. In fact, your mind probably picked out that word before you even finished reading the sentence. It’s not a particularly long word. I didn’t write it in bold or italic print. But still it jumps out at you clearer than the word “bucket” for example. I just typed out a simple four-letter word, completely free of any derogatory context of any kind. But I guarantee that at least one person who reads this will wish I hadn’t.

Perhaps some historical context will help explain my point a bit further. See, most words we consider “bad words” entered the english language with the Norman invasion of England, circa 1066 CE. The Normans considered themselves a higher class of people than the resident Anglo-Saxons. As the Normans comprised the upper caste, Norman terms were considered polite, while the Saxon words were considered base and crass. So, everytime you get upset upon hearing a “curse word”, you’re actually just perpetuating racism based on a medieval class struggle. That makes you a big ol’ Nazi.

And nobody likes a Nazi.

I’m just sayin’…

Bye for now.

Well you’ve probably already heard the news. El Niño™ is here.

In case you’ve been living under a rock (or in one of those places where weather forecasting is considered witchcraft), El Niño™ is a weather disturbance between the ocean and the atmosphere in the tropical Pacific Ocean. Since the Pacific Ocean covers nearly a third of the earth’s surface area, we’re talking about a considerable weather phenomenon.

El Niño™ is a Spanish term which probably means “wet air” or something, and it is the most holy of holiday seasons for meteorologists. It is the one time when no one actually expects them to make an accurate prediction. Even though they cannot seem to explain to us what actually causes El Niño™, the one thing they can tell us is that there will be a lot of rain. Or not. And in an El Niño™ year it is always cold - without fail. Except that sometimes it is warm.

So you see, El Niño™ is a highly scientific phenomenon that the layperson is incapable of understanding. Therefore, it is only logical that we are fascinated by it. In an El Niño™ year, the phenomenon itself becomes a celebrity. It begins making cameo appearances on the most popular, cutting-edge, entertainment media like The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman, and Voodoo Time Dot Com. People talk about it at social gatherings. And then there are the musical tributes and film adaptations. And, of course, El Niño™ is all over the news as well. All over the news. Big time.

See, here in Sunny Southern California™, we’re not used to getting a whole lot of rain. When it does happen, things get a little stupid. People forget how to drive, and how to turn off their automatic sprinkler systems. And the same people who spent all summer complaining about how hot and dry it was while their houses were burning down, are now the most vocal in expressing their disapproval of the rain. So it’s only natural that people are increasingly concerned about the weather.

Even so, I don’t know how many more times I can hear the words El Niño™ before I do something unpredictable and/or rude. Really. It’s rain. There is no link to international terrorism or Saddam Hussein. Most of us are going to be okay.

(But not this guy. He’s pretty much screwed.)

Bye for now.

I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist. I believe that human beings have walked on the surface of the moon. I believe that the Earth is round and orbits the sun. I do not believe that there are cures for cancer and AIDS sitting in secret government warehouses. I do not believe that extraterrestrials live among us.

But I do suspect there is something sinister going on with Christmas. With each passing year, Christmas slowly creeps up on the calendar. The Christmas lights appear earlier and earlier. Eggnog season gets longer and longer. I’ve never really complained much. When the neighbors put up their lights on November 1st, I shrug it off. And in September, when they start advertising the George Foreman Grill as “A Great Holiday Gift Idea!”, I don’t bat an eye. But this year, Christmas has gone too far. This year, Christmas ate Halloween.

I don’t have all of the data yet, but as far as I know, Halloween did not happen this year. I did not get a single trick-or-treater knocking on the door that night. I did not see a single person wearing a costume all day. And perhaps most startling of all, the “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” Peanuts Halloween cartoon was nowhere to be found on TV. No Great Pumpkin, ergo no Halloween. As Americans of the TV generations, we know that if there is no Peanuts holiday special, then said holiday does not exist. I wouldn’t even know Thanksgiving was coming up this week if I hadn’t seen the commercial for the Peanuts cartoon special. Really, all I need now is “It’s Daylight Savings Time, Charlie Brown” twice a year so I know when to change the clocks.

So Halloween is gone now. Alas, we hardly knew ye. And don’t bother buying a costume next year, because it’s not coming back. And now, Thanksgiving is coming up for those of us in the United States - in theory anyway. Now, surely, you must be a bit anxious about waking up on Thursday only to discover that Christmas has eaten your turkey dinner as well. Not to worry. Americans consume about 535 million pounds of turkey for Thanksgiving - not to mention all the trimmings. A major economic event like Thanksgiving won’t be going anywhere. The cranberry farmers will make sure of that. They’ve been stockpiling weapons for years now, and they’re militant.

But Christmas is coming and you can’t stop it. From now on, it will never be anything but Christmas time. So don your gayest apparel, get a second job, and get ready. George Foreman’s got a lot of kids to feed.

Bye for now.