Voodoo Time Dot Com

I’ve never been a conspiracy theorist. I believe that human beings have walked on the surface of the moon. I believe that the Earth is round and orbits the sun. I do not believe that there are cures for cancer and AIDS sitting in secret government warehouses. I do not believe that extraterrestrials live among us.

But I do suspect there is something sinister going on with Christmas. With each passing year, Christmas slowly creeps up on the calendar. The Christmas lights appear earlier and earlier. Eggnog season gets longer and longer. I’ve never really complained much. When the neighbors put up their lights on November 1st, I shrug it off. And in September, when they start advertising the George Foreman Grill as “A Great Holiday Gift Idea!”, I don’t bat an eye. But this year, Christmas has gone too far. This year, Christmas ate Halloween.

I don’t have all of the data yet, but as far as I know, Halloween did not happen this year. I did not get a single trick-or-treater knocking on the door that night. I did not see a single person wearing a costume all day. And perhaps most startling of all, the “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” Peanuts Halloween cartoon was nowhere to be found on TV. No Great Pumpkin, ergo no Halloween. As Americans of the TV generations, we know that if there is no Peanuts holiday special, then said holiday does not exist. I wouldn’t even know Thanksgiving was coming up this week if I hadn’t seen the commercial for the Peanuts cartoon special. Really, all I need now is “It’s Daylight Savings Time, Charlie Brown” twice a year so I know when to change the clocks.

So Halloween is gone now. Alas, we hardly knew ye. And don’t bother buying a costume next year, because it’s not coming back. And now, Thanksgiving is coming up for those of us in the United States – in theory anyway. Now, surely, you must be a bit anxious about waking up on Thursday only to discover that Christmas has eaten your turkey dinner as well. Not to worry. Americans consume about 535 million pounds of turkey for Thanksgiving – not to mention all the trimmings. A major economic event like Thanksgiving won’t be going anywhere. The cranberry farmers will make sure of that. They’ve been stockpiling weapons for years now, and they’re militant.

But Christmas is coming and you can’t stop it. From now on, it will never be anything but Christmas time. So don your gayest apparel, get a second job, and get ready. George Foreman’s got a lot of kids to feed.

Bye for now.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 25th, 2002 at 12:36 am and is filed under Soapbox. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.