If you have not seen this yet, I regret to be the bearer of catastrophic news. Know that in scant few days, the planets (specifically our five closest interplanetary neighbors) shall align across the darkened evening sky in such a way as to bring an end to all life on our beloved Earth.
You don’t have to be a prophet to realize that this is bad juju, and yet the world media has all but ignored our imminent demise. If I may quote from a recent BBC article, “astronomers say this year’s planetary show is no cause for concern.” As a herald of truth and lover of humanity, it appears that the onus to inform the world is solely mine. Friends, not only is this astronomical terror a “cause for concern“, but it is also a cause for hysteria, hoarding, rioting, and looting.
Yet there is hope. According to my very careful and exact calculations, all we need to do to keep this planet habitable is to blow up the planet Saturn. Why Saturn? Take a moment to inspect this scientific diagram. We can clearly see that Saturn’s asymmetrical placement relative to its planetary cousins is, if I may speak scientifically for a moment, messing stuff up.
So, to recap:
1. Build planet-destroying laser
2. Aim laser at planet Saturn
3. Blow up planet Saturn
4. All life on Earth breathes sigh of relief
Bye for now.
I trust you are working diligently on said “planet-destroying laser.” I’ll be a bit cheesed if my wedding plans are interrupted. ;-D