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“This is a test. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.”

– MUTE –

And so it’s been for my entire life. I have been seeing and hearing the EBS tests on television and radio since I was a kid, but never ever in my quarter-century on this earth have I ever seen the EBS announce a real honest-to-goodness emergency – ever.

Think about it, have you ever heard the EBS go off without the whole “this is only a test” bit? And if you have, don’t go posting a comment to tell me about it because then this whole rant ceases to be relevant.

I look on the Emergency Broadcast System much like the cold war nuclear duck-and-cover drills we did in elementary school. Anyone who went to school between the 1950s and the 1980s probably did this. Your teacher says that there’s been an A-bomb detonation and would you all please crawl under your desks and cover your head. Even though it’s completely inconsequential what you do in the moments before your disintegration, it makes you feel good to know that someone’s got a plan for these kinds of things.

Since the ear-splitting horror of an Emergency Broadcast System alert seems to be reserved for nuclear holocaust and alien invasion, it seems to me that we need a way to disseminate information for the things which are almost emergencies – the little things like earthquakes, wildfires, terrorist attacks, and riots.

A complaint without a suggestion for reform is meaningless. Therefore, I propose a three-tier Emergency Broadcast System.

Level 1: Highest danger. Level one means that people are dead or are about to die on a prodigious scale. Pure duck-and-cover Armageddon stuff. This warning will sound off with a frequency above the human-audible range to as not to panic anyone who’s about to die. Dogs, however, will be scared shitless.

Level 2: Dangerous. This is stuff that sucks pretty bad, but is probably escapable. We’re talking hurricanes and violent civil unrest.

Level 3: Silly. A level three alert is used for national cheese shortages, computer viruses, and when George W. Bush insults another foreign nation.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!

“This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with the Federal, State and local authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual cheese emergency the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Bye for now.“

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 13th, 2002 at 10:59 pm and is filed under Funny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.