Much like a doctor, in my line of work, I often find myself in the position of offering free advice to friends, family, and complete strangers. But instead of talking to people about their weird bumps and gimp knees, I diagnose various computer maladies. Really, I don’t mind at all. It is truly magical the way a person’s eyes light up when they learn that their computer’s built-in cup-holder can also play CDs (alas, not at the same time it’s holding a cup). Just as satisfying are the sighs of relief when people learn that installing Windows® on their computer does not require a single cutting tool.
One thing I get a lot of specific questions about is the “World Wide Net” (also known as “the Interweb”, “the Netscape”, and “my AOL”). This whole little Internet thing must really be catching on, because invariably, one of the things people are most interested in is online shopping. Sharing my online shopping experiences often elicits a shocked reaction to the effect of “You’ve actually bought something on the Internet?!” Apparently, my bimonthly orders to Amazon.com elevate me to the status of Lewis and Clark, and Edmund Hillary. Yes friends, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good! So, grab your wallets and join me as I present this simple Buying Stuff Online FAQ™.
Q. Is buying stuff online safe?
A. This seems to be the number one question of the uninitiated. Yes, it is generally safe to buy stuff online. The rule of thumb is common sense – if a website looks like the digital equivalent of a guy selling stereos out of the back of his van, take your business elsewhere.
Q. What kinds of stuff can I buy online?
A. Anything. Really. You can buy books, music, tools, food, clothing, jewlery, cars, diplomas, homes, insurance, prescription drugs, and wives with a credit card and a few clicks of your mouse. You can even order Internet service over the Internet.
Q. Where can I buy stuff online?
A. There are two things on the Internet that are never in short supply: Porn and people who want to help you spend your money (often both at the same time). Arguably the two most popular online shopping destinations are Amazon.com and eBay.com. Amazon.com started as an online bookstore, but has grown to include a wide selection of music, tools, kitchenware, houses, exotic pets, and interstellar spacecraft. eBay is not so much a website as it is a disease which infects many new Web users. The unsuspecting newbie who comes in contact with eBay will begin exhibiting obsessive and compulsive behavior almost immediately after exposure. As eBay is a very expensive disease, immediate intervention is recommended.
Q. Why would I buy stuff online rather than from a real store?
A. You can shop in your underwear. You could try doing that at the mall, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
Q. Where can I find more information about buying stuff online?
A. You can buy my new book Buying Stuff Online by entering your name, address, and credit card number (with expiry date, please) in the comments section.
Bye for now.
What’s better than buying stuff online while wearing underwear?
Stealing stuff online while wearing underwear.
Who wants to spend $20 for that new eminem album, $45 for the new ORA book ‘Sucking dick for crack vol.4′? Not me!
With a few clicks you too can join the legions of warez sucking, porn leeching, bandwidth hogging parasites that crowd the InterWeb these days.
Your computer can become the new loving home to any number of trojan horses, spyware, virii, worms and other forms of digital microbial life.
You dont really care if your PC is causing large portions of the internet to explode? YOU WANT YOUR PORN!