Voodoo Time Dot Com

Recently there was a deep sea research expedition to identify and catalogue sea life in the deepest waters between Australia and New Zealand. And, as expected, they did not fail to turn up another horde of the most hideously ugly and nightmarish creatures this planet has to offer.

In a world of total darkness and intense pressure (around 3,000 pounds per square inch), there are really only two basic animal shapes – undefined slimy blob, or something that vaguely resembles a rock with a hedge-trimmer and Christmas lights sticking out of it. Anything else implodes way before it sees the ocean floor.

Scary sea creatures tend to get the coolest names. This time we have creatures with names like Fangtooth, Gulper Eel, Coffinfish, and the slighty less scary Snotthead. Goblin Shrimp: cool, scary name; Snotthead: not so scary name.

Knowing that human beings have explored only a tiny bit of the world’s oceans, there are sure to be legions of weird yet-unknown deep sea life scraping around the remaining 70% of the Earth’s surface, and there are bound to be some even weirder than the Vampire Squid from Hell. And these creatures will have super-cool names too. Here are the kinds of deep-sea animals I hope we find someday:

The Inside-out Fish – Externally covered in sharp teeth, this fish chews up it’s prey by just running into it over and over again.

The Spiny Laser Crab – a jet black crab covered in 6-inch spikes to protect it while it lines up a shot with its natural laser eyes. Small bioluminescent organs behind the creature’s retina create light that focuses into a sharp laserbeam through the lens of the eye.

The Deathstar Fish – Appears to be a simple starfish, but as its unwitting prey approaches, the deathstar fish pulls it in with its tractor beam. It’s a trap!

Anyway, the point of all of this is that the ocean floor is gross and scary. Don’t go down there – seriously. –Unless you’re a heavily-armored submersible robot. Then it would be OK I guess.

Bye for now.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 7th, 2003 at 9:31 pm and is filed under Weird. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.