Voodoo Time Dot Com

So if West Nile Virus and the SARS weren’t enough to keep one inside these days, it looks like a new player is on the scene just in time for bikini season. Better start stockpiling the calamine lotion, because Monkeypox is coming to town.

Monkeypox was discovered in 1970 in Africa - where all the best diseases come from. The symptoms show up around twelve days after exposure - which makes this one ripe for vector all over the world in no time. Symptoms include fever, headache, swollen lymph nodes, and the trademark bumpy rash. However, banana cravings and preoccupation with one’s own fecal matter are not symptomatic of Monkeypox. These are actually merely symptoms of toddlerhood - a condition affecting most humans between the ages of two and four years of age.

At this time, large packs of tiny, ground-dwelling monkeys are loose across the midwest spreading contagion among the human populace. As Monkeypox is spread by exposure to direct contact with bodily fluids, it is hypothesized that these animals are breaking into homes and using the residents’ toothbrushes. They are also known to steal fine woolen dresswear. The reasons for these behaviors are as yet unclear.

A wise man once told me, “Never trust a monkey.” Only now do I finally see the wisdom in that admonition. And only now do I feel remorse for having him institutionalized. That wise man is gone now, but his wisdom remains, and I am able to pass it on to you now. Never, but never, trust a monkey - especially one with minty breath wearing a sportcoat.

Bye for now.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 9th, 2003 at 9:54 pm and is filed under Weird. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.