Last weekend my wife and I spent the day at the world-famous San Diego Zoo. It was a beautiful day in Balboa Park and we saw great exhibits of animals from across the world.
The animals were all pretty cool, but it was pretty hot outside so they were mostly just lying around and being inconspicuous. So the real entertainment was on the other side of the cages. For every species of animal on the inside, there was one just as interesting walking around on the outside. Let me show you what I mean…
The Blue-Faced Howler – Standing between 3′ and 4.5′ tall, their steady diet of berry-flavored Icee effects their characteristic blue face. The Blue-Faced Howler is extremely hyperactive and sounds its namesake “howl” when happy, angry, excited, nervous, surprised, sad, bored, frightened, irritated, giddy, tired, or amused.
The Line Hog – These animals actively seek out the middle of a crowd and stand there. This behavior manifests itself in many ways. The Line Hog is known to stand in the middle of everyone’s line of sight, oblivious to the possibility that anyone else might want to see the damn meerkats too. Often, small herds of Line Hogs can be found standing abreast across narrow walkways. Line Hogs make small purchases with checks, and large purchases with coins.
The Two-Legged Lobster – These animals walk around in the sun all day wearing sleeveless t-shirts and shorts. As the day goes on, the Lobster’s skin becomes redder and redder. Be cautious when encountering this animal. Merely touching it’s sun-burned hide is enough to cause a loud, chilling shriek.
The Invisible Crowd Skunk – When you’re standing in a crowd when a foul odor falls upon you, chances are you’ve encountered an Invisible Crowd Skunk. Although it smells like someone near you has passed gas, rest assured it is, in fact, only a Crowd Skunk. That’s why you never hear anyone excuse himself when it happens. Right…
So all in all, it was a productive day. I wonder what it would be like to visit an all-human zoo. There could be an urban exhibit with young professionals drinking smoothies in studio apartments. And the trailer park exhibit would feature large belt-buckles in double-wides, flicking the ash from generic cigarettes into empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. And then there’s the computer-geek exhibit which would display pasty-faced young men sitting in the dark and drinking Mountain Dew in front of dual 21-inch LCD displays playing video games and surfing porno websites at the same time.
Actually, that last exhibit sounds pretty sweet. How do I get in on something like that?
Bye for now.